Complacancy - The Death of Relationships New and Old

[The Gray Ghost]

It's really easy to become complacent in a long term relationship. In fact, it's almost a give that it will happen. After a period of time couples tend to get in a groove and life becomes almost automated. This is were boredom sets with the relationship and with each other. Now a variety of rats (figuratively) come to gnaw at the edges of what would otherwise be an excellent relationship.

IMHO, the best way to stave off complacency is to look for shared interests. Just like when you were courting the lass, you have to take the lead and come up with exciting and interesting things to do together. There are a wealth of activities out there. When I was single I spent a lot of time looking all over, and even posting around here, for things to do. There are a TON. You just have to put in a little effort. If it takes making a list and then sitting down with her to get her opinion then do it. If she does not offer up an opinion then it is up to you to not make an argument out of her indecision and to just pick something. Activities can be as simple as playing board games or as complex as something that requires gear and traveling.

Things to watch out for. Don't try to force or strong arm her into sharing your interest. That never goes well. Make sure she is actually interested in the activity and not just doing it to appease you. The answer, "Oh I don't care what we do as long as we are together." is complete crap and she will get bored with the activity and start making up excuses of why she can't join you. This leads to later tensions and reservations. I have experienced this with countless women.

Don't be afraid to be bested by her. Seriously, even if she makes fun of you, get over yourself. Recently Jen and I went on a camping trip/wilderness survival class. One morning I went to a primitive fire making class. She stayed behind at our tent to chill. All morning I worked on making a fire with a bow and drill like an Indian. Four freakin hours I worked at it with no success. Around 1pm Jen walked up with a beer and my lunch - yes she completely rocks. While I took a break to eat, one of the old men instructors took a shine to Jen and got her to let him teach her how to make a fire. It took her 20 minutes. It has been several months since and I still have not heard the end of it either form her or form all the old men at the camp out. Sure, my ego was a little hit, but it was totally worth it to see her eyes light up and to see her finally take a real interest in a passion of mine. Take one for the team sometimes. It will be worth it.

Don't discount her interests. Now matter how "gay" you think something she has an interest in is, try it. You never know. You may find that you have a passion for Opera, Quilts, or whatever. I have a long time friend that is one of the manliest guys I know. However, he and his wife both share a deep love of quilts. They go to shows together all the time and other activities around quilts and quilting. Honestly, I don't think him less for it; even if I get him a little crap for it from time to time. In the end, it is another bond they have that.

For some couples a shared interest is easy and they are discovered from the get go or the shared interest is actually how you met. It's probably time to try some new things or pickup the interest you shared in the beginning if the two of you have let it go by the wayside.

Secret weapon. If you are far enough along in the relationship, pickup the phone and call her dad - brownie points here all around. Tell him you are looking for ways to bond further with his daughter and find a shared interest. Ask him if he and his daughter did any activities together when she was younger. Now you probably have one or more activities that she has an emotional attachment to that involve the most important man in her life and you will get brownie points with her for the effort of talking to her father.

I would love to hear from others on their tried and successful methods of finding a shared interest and staving off boredom in a relationship. No arm chair suggestions.

[HOPPY]

there is a book called, the five love languages."


it help me understand little more about relationships..... I think you might enjoy it and you can download it on itunes, beside a paperback.

[LoadeDice]

I second the recommendation of Five Love Languages. A lot of my chick friends talked about great things about it and I would personally say it helped quite a bit with my last girlfriend.